Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

   Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?

   April Fools Day is coming up. Look for lots of articles about global warming.

   Does anyone know if we can take showers yet? Or should we just keep washing our hands

   My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

   I Love octopus. cooked right they are very tasty, Tried to cook one the other night and took me 5 hours. The sucker kept turning off the gas.

   Will Smith told Chris Rock to keep his wife's name out of his GD mouth. (But her poosy would be okay.)

   Maybe Will Smith thought Chris Rock was an alien?

   Netflix set to air GI Jane, starring Jada and Will Smith.

   If Jada Smith can't take a joke over Alopecia then that's hair loss.

   So what you're saying is there won't actually be a remake of GI Jane?

   After two separate leg injuries to myself this evening, my lounge coffee table now identifies as Courtney Stubtoe-Ouch.

   🎶 I got in one little fight and my mum got scared, 🎶 she said You can't slap Chris Rock because your wife has no hair.

   After watching the Oscars, I now get why cops do what they do.

   "Insult my wife one more time and I'll lick your other ball" - Ted Cruz

   Talk like a drunken Irishman and say "Whale Oil Beef Hooked."

   I'm so pumped for Trump University 2: University of Truth. Registration starts today!

   Will Smith did what Ted Cruz could not do: Defend his wife's honor.

   I would say that Will Smith hits like a girl, but then I am not a biologist.

   Dear Brandon: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger..