Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know how women living in the same house have their periods at the same time? Guys living in the same house get the squirts at the same time. Only it's not once a month. It's once an hour.

   Fact: Those whining over the "first 100 days" haven't taken into account that their mothers took 280 days to make them, and look how they turned out.

   Fact. The USA is in better shape than it was one year ago.

   Idiotic Facebook cooking reels have turned me into the misanthrope I am today.

   He's 5 steps ahead of you, you orangutan.

   Worst approval rating in the first hundred days for any president in the last 70 years, huh? Beat his own previous record huh? Great job losers 😂

   Yeah, yeah. You buy brown eggs. Show-off.

   My parents never actually listened to me as a kid. I recall a solar eclipse one year. "Hey ma, can I go outside and watch the eclipse?" "Yeah, but don't get too close."

   What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you? Bi-yourself.

   I got kinda excited when this young woman said that she was interested in me….. she was doing research on the elderly.

   What's aciaemA?

   Here's a pacifier for you. Don't forget to take it with you when you leave the country!

   yawA oG aciaemA ekaM AGAM

   Jesus: "Why couldn't my Dad wait until they invented velcro?"

   Common sense has been replaced by uncommon sense. Thank you, and enjoy the buffet.

   Freddie Mercury: Voted the single most favorite vocalist of women over 60, yet who can only name 3 of his band's songs.

   "The Pope was a very good Christian, but not a very good Catholic."

   I'm pretty much still in control of most of my bodily functions last time I farted, it was almost all gas.

   If Pope Francis reappears in 3 days, I don't know what to tell you.

   What's the difference between Karate and Judo? Karate is a form of self-defense. Judo is what bagels are made of.