Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm thinking about taking up Meditation. It's better than sitting around doing nothing.

   Told my Cat I was going to teach him English today....He looked up and said... Me? How?

   My Grief Counselor died today. He was so good.. I don't even care!

   President Thomas Jefferson once said, never believe anything you read on the internet.

   Don't you hate it when you start treating someone like they treat you and they suddenly think you're an asshole?

   The clocks go back this weekend. Hopefully back to when we could afford groceries.

   In a reel-ationship

   Hey. If owls are so smart, how come they don't say, 'whom'?

   Do Priests delivering Mass use their Altar ego ?

   I finally realized it... People are prisoners of their phones. That's why they are called cell phones.

   Flexibility is essential for mind stability

   Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm off to the park to laugh at all the joggers.

   never forget, you are a part of the universe that became sentient for a while and decided to post pictures of cats on the internet

   Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   Padhai nahi ho rahi, kyunki mere bed ka gravitational pull kitni strong hai, ye mere books bhi confirm kar chuki hain

   So….Apparently driving past a cop…. While drinking water….from a vodka bottle…isn’t funny and is technically wasting police time.

   Our childhood didn't prepare us for the amount of time we were going to say F^CK as adults

   The officer asked, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" And we just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

   I'm not homophobic. I'm pro-vagina.

   Now that I've gotten older I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.