Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven whilst I slumber in yon bedchamber.

   Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.

   I though brothels were only legal in Nevada, but I feel like I’m getting *ucked every time I get gas.

   I wish I had the time click like 135 times on my posts.

   Don't worry if you lost money on crypto currency.. Just hoard baby formula and you'll make it all back

   Monkeypox is pronounced with the “k” silent.

   Went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

   Failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

   Was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

   If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

   Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

   It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

   Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

   Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’

   Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

   Home Schooling question: Does having your kid fix you mixed drinks count as chemistry?

   Recent studies have shown that dogs don't actually have a fear of fireworks. Their reactions are based on their being upset at not being able to shoot off their own.

   Showing too much cleavage makes you look like an ass.

   In the US, we call it "Alt Right" In Germany, the call it, "Why grandpapa lives in Argentina"

   Women are like dog doo. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.