Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my daughter grows up, I'm going to start reading her Facebook status's before bedtime. Just so she understands the importance of staying in school!

   When I get to heaven I hope I don't hear the words, "Just a formality before we let you in, gonna take a look at your Facebook timeline."

   Time heals all wounds. Except sucking chest wounds. You should see a doctor about that.

   well I've already broken my New Year's resolution, which was to be the ruthless dictator of Belgium.

   Suggested Transformers 4 movie poster slogan: Your Suspicions Are Correct, We Hate You and Think You Are Stupid.

   When a financial adviser asks me my goals I'm embarrassed to admit that it's to ride a snowmobile on the moon

   Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom's wastepaper basket.

   Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women; that’s why they hate each other.

   bl0wjob one word or two? (I hate writing thank you cards.)

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot

   :: I'm so funky hit by truck after playing in traffic. Internet Rejoices.

   NO your not!

   The Year??.. 2033,, The year is 2047, After a series of mergers and acquisitions,, The Doritos Locos McWhopper Chipotle Latte Wrap, has become the only source of nutrition

   Yo Bi%ch, you hate your parents so much that you have to post it on Facebook. Orphans cry hearts out to have such loving and caring parents. Love your Parents.

   Reality Show Idea: A funeral home where the casket is turned into a mechanical bull.. Whoever rides it the longest gets the person's belongings.

   Would the real #imsofunny please stand up?

   This whiskey would pair nicely with soft bosoms.

   The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.

   You know that one idiot that always flies by you when the roads are crappy? Am I the only one that secretly wishes they would go in the ditch or wreck their car?

   I’ll see your two hour spinning class, and raise you 15 minutes on the treadmill