Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Concept plan

   If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

   I hate to break it to ya, ladies... but those Christmas cookies you bake every holiday season? Not that good.

   "I used to think that my life was a cringe compilation, but now, I realize it's a try not to laugh challenge."

   I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

   I don't know who needs to hear this. But just because it is on sale doesn't mean you have to buy it.

   Why does the Old Testament prohibit people from eating pork? Pigs are such friendly looking animals. It's goats that look like the spawn of Satan.

   My girlfriend wants me to make a cauliflower crust pizza tonight. So now I have to go to the grocery store and find a new girlfriend.

   I'm not a magician. But I once turned a back rub into a kid and a mortgage.

   Today's advice: sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home.

   If there is no sound in space, is a fart on earth louder than a supernova?

   Most of you are 10s because of inflation.

   I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

   Tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? Boil a few litres at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later. Follow me for more tips!

   I’m getting stronger with age. I can now lift $75.00 worth of groceries with one hand.

   My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. It's ridiculous because I didn't even know it was her birthday.

   Reviving In Progress

   My ex told me: You'll never find anyone like me. I said: That's the goal.

   Remember when Scar in The Lion King promised the hyenas a better life in order to use them to gain power, but when they realised he lied to them they ate him? Something to think about.

   Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife died.