Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.

   You can't explain something to people that don't even know which restroom to use.

   Thirty days hath September, April, June, and November. All the rest have thirty-one except for January, which has about 100.

   It’s better to poop in the sink, than to sink in the poop.

   What concert only costs 45 cents? Fifty cent featuring Nickleback.

   I asked my doctor, do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life? The doctor replied, I doubt it somehow, Mercury is in Uranus right now. I said, I don’t believe in all that astrology crap. He said, neither do I, my thermometer just broke.

   I’ve never forgotten my Grandad’s last words to me just before he died. Are you still holding that ladder?

   The Angel of Death said, I’ve come for you. The man said, But why? I’m happy, I’m healthy… The Angel said, you left your phone at home unlocked and your wife found it. The man said, alright let’s go then.

   I was awoken with oral seggs this morning. Never falling asleep with my mouth open on the train again.

   What has 362 times more germs than a toilet seat? My lucky condom.

   Oh, there's no plates like foam for the Holidays.

   I have decided to cancel my One Man Magical Band © performance at The Kennedy Center due to the adding of Donald Trump’s name to the performing arts institution. There will be no refunds.

   You women may be surprised to learn, that making us men sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   If Santa keeps a record of naughty/nice all year is this week undocumented?

   If I have learned anything from this year, it is to never, ever say, "Well, at least it couldn't get any worse".

   It's wild that Santa can go into people's homes and eat their cookies. But when I do it, I have "issues" and need "help".

   Anyone know how long you could store an unopened loafs of fruit cakes for? Just planning on next year‘s Christmas gifts.

   There is no bigger day for microwaves than December 26th. This is their Olympics.

   Merry Christmas you filthy animals!

   I've just been to a safety meeting at work. They asked me "What steps would you take in the event of a fire"? "Really big ones!" was apparently the wrong answer.