Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald's they'll think you're sharing all that food with another person.

   How come know-it-alls, don't know how annoying they are?

   I wish I had half of the fight in me as the spider that I just washed down my bathroom sink did.

   I'm starting to think none of you have résumés.

   Facebook Myth: Once you post 20 or more selfies, your relationship status automatically changes to, “In a relationship with myself”

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions

   Sorry I called your kid a freak when I saw that he was left-handed But dude, they can totally fix that now with science and therapy

   hey terrorists, leave the Canadians alone. Pick on someone of your own size.

   My mom just asked me to get her lotion from her bathroom drawer. I don't know what I saw. I don't care what I saw. This is my suicide note.

   You had me at gunpoint.

   I only lower the bar so it's easier to reach my drink.

   If you have no love to be thankful for, at least be thankful for all those bullets you dodged.

   Shots fired in Canada? How is that possible? Guns are illegal there.

   Do not bother me with stupid $h!t. What is stupid $h!t? It is anything I don't want to be bothered with.

   Super creepy Rob Lowe and I are going to kick Rob Lowes ass

   Here's how the new mobile payment system works. If you so much as even glance at an Apple product, Apple Pay automatically deducts the full amount from your checking account...

   A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

   I'm so looking forward to Halloween! Wonder if I'll see any costumes as scary as Renee Zellweger's new face...

   As of today, Starbucks will allow their employees to display tattoos and ear gauges. Those are the round plugs that some people put in their ear lobe to let the world know their dads never played catch with them...

   One, two Freddys coming for you. Three, four better lock your door. Five, six grab your crucifix. Seven, eight gonna stay up late. Nine, ten, never sleep again...