Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be

   Didn't even finish microwaving this Lean Cuisine before the suicide prevention hotline called me..

   When I said make yourself at home I meant go wash my dishes.

   My son said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".

   Just once I'd like a doctor to tell me I'm not getting enough beer in my diet.

   You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.

   If Obama can break the rules, so can the Patriots dammit.

   Dear media: please stop rhyming things with the word "Gate"

   Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Gul Dukat.

   It’s 2015, why don’t we have hover-boards yet?” he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything

   Does anyone shoop anymore?

   Take me seriously at your own risk.

   in another 40 years, i'll have a set of patriot balls

   i wonder why all 3 insurance companies don't combine & call themselves "Alstate Farm Bureau"

   At the end of Goonies, Chunk says to Sloth, “you’re gonna live with me now.” Why isn’t that a movie yet?

   Plot twist: The Patriots deflated balls to keep the game close.

   Well, I've never had a hot carl before, but I certainly came close watching the State of the Union

   Females don't want much from you except your time, attention, space, food, shirts, fun, bed covers, passwords, credit cards, life, soul......

   Facebook is for entertainment. Nobody really cares about how sad and lonely you are, you better add some jokes on the end of that post

   Winning the game using deflated balls? Is this the NFL or the Tour De France?