Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After 40 years of marriage will gay guys call their spouse the old balls and chain?

   If we tell people the brain is an app, maybe they’ll start using it.

   Ever spent money so quickly that you felt like somebody stole it?

   I have to make it to heaven, I want to see Circuit City and Blockbuster again.

   The bad news is many earthquakes in California have caused severe property damage. The good news is on the days that they hit, bowling scores are at their highest ever!

   I like to make lists. I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while I'm in the store.

   Well, it's July and almost 100 degrees. Walmart should be putting the Christmas stuff out any day now!

   So you unfollowed me on Facebook. You sure showed me.

   Women are caring, nurturing, beautiful, sympathetic and loyal. They're also big toddlers who have the demands of three year olds.

   Kissing someone while they are asleep is one of the purest displays of love...unless you're in prison.

   Today I asked SIRI to recommend an apple product I can afford. She replied Apple Juice.

   How did Jesus find guys named: Peter, John, James, Matthew, Andrew, Phillip, Thomas, and Simon in the Middle East?

   I still miss that part of 2020 when it was illegal for people to come near me

   How to blow a blind date: Look at the menu, make your eyes huge and say, "I think I'll just have some water."

   Ive never seen a Dragon with fruit on it... I think its a scam by" big fruit " to get more $$$

   I don't know why hetero guys my age are so down on gays. Most of their wives look like men anyway.

   Memorizing pot hole locations is a must where I'm from.

   With all the bioengineering going on, why don't they cross egg-laying chickens with dairy cows? It'd save a step when making French toast.

   People who work in customer service should be allowed to fight one customer per day.

   You know, if you name your kid Jeeves. You've pretty much mapped out his career.