Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What a lucky week! First I win the lottery, and then some relatives I'd lost contact with got in touch.

   Most people want a perfect relationship. I just want a hamburger that looks like the one on the menu.

   The left can’t aim right.

   People identify as either Binary or Non-Binary. So even if they identify as Non-Binary, they are still binary.

   Let's go, Brandon!

   What do I like most about my job? Payday, breaks and leaving.

   Amazon Prime day is the equivalent to Scholastic Book Day when I was in school! Damn I'm old!

   We need gun control we almost lost Trump

   Welcome to social media! A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly.

   Ear today. Gone tomorrow.

   If I block you on social media and you see me in public, the block still applies in real life.

   Jim Morrison was right. People are strange.

   If the girl don't Hucktuah,you don't need to talktuah!

   Just once in my life, I'd actually like to see a liar's pants catch on fire.

   Whoever came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has clearly never been to Walmart during the day.

   You older women who are impressed that 25 year olds are attracted to you... Newsflash: 25 year olds would sleep with a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's Syrup if they could get her legs open.

   The difference between jam and jelly is I can't jelly my dong in my wife's blow hole.

   If you identify as non-binary I want you to answer this question with a yes or no only: Do your parents know you're an imbecile?

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon… Might as well be asking for dragon tenderloin or Bigfoot steaks… jest sayin

   Always hated going to doctor’s even when I’m at my sickest .. not that I don’t trust them … I just don’t feel like paying em!