Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Am I a good mother, Susan. Susan: My name is Amy.

   A dog is able to learn up to 250 words and gestures and count up to 5, equivalent to a human age: 3. A cat doesn’t give a dam, and is sick of your crap, equivalent to a human age: 42.

   Never trust a girl named Natasha. Because, Natasha spelled backwards is “ah Satan.”

   China Hut: People that don’t like cats, just haven’t had them prepared properly.

   When you send a risky text and see (….) for ten minutes.

   Site owner STILL Sucks the Big One !

   Reminder: BBC on television and BBC on the Internet are two different things.

   A lot of people like BBQ ribs, but I make it look like an episode of the Walking Dead.

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.

   There’s no water in hell, only a bunch of sick jokes about pee-pees.

   I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

   If your hands don’t look like you just delivered a baby after eating ribs, you just didn't eat them right.

   We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer- Joe's Chief of Staff.

   It should be mandatory that every citizen 21 and older carry a firearm.

   Biden: “Your hair smells good.” Chewbacca: wtf???

   Yeah, you’re made of star stuff, but so is garbage, so calm down.

   I sprinkle profanity in every sentence like its parsley.

   When you show up at the orgy and it’s actually an intervention.

   When the cross-eyed mechanic says, “no worries sir, I did the alignment myself.”

   You don’t have to drop to your knees every time you eat a hotdog.