Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Silver Alert: Elderly white male, early dementia, yells “C’mon Man!”

   Confucius says ~ He who wear mask alone in car, also wear condom alone in bed.

   Are you a ceiling fan? Because I need someone to blow me while I sleep.

   My tongue itches, can I scratch it on your baby maker?

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   Little boy: Daddy, do trees poop? Dad: Of course, that’s how we get number 2 pencils.

   Started investing in stocks: Chicken, Beef, Vegetable… One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

   Guns don't kill people. Abortionists do.

   A friend asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming play about Julius Caesar. I told him that I would take a stab at it.

   It is wrong and immoral to seek to escape the consequences of one's acts. Mahatma Gandhi

   And a step backward, after making a wrong turn, is a step in the right direction

   The Supreme Court is like regular court, except it comes with sour cream and tomatoes.

   Wish there was such a thing as a biscuits and gravy truck, and it played bluegrass music over the loudspeaker when it drove through neighborhoods.

   I hate when woman have stupid excuses, I’m tired, I have a headache, I’m on my period, I’m your cousin.

   Turned 40 today, and I can feel my idgaf powers growing and coursing through my veins.

   How come all the single ladies don’t need no man at all, but all the married men need two ladies, I’m confused.

   Why are deliveries on a ship called cargo, but in a car, it’s called a shipment?

   You wanna listen to some Pop Country, or would you rather go to China and lick some doorknobs?

   What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.

   When someone says, stop living in the past, I say, but the music was so much better then.