Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if Uranus is getting tired of being the butt of everyone's jokes?

   Saying, "Finger Lickin' Good" out loud -- even at KFC -- makes everyone pretty uncomfortable.

   My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.

   While you guys were distracted by the smoke screens the Government placed in the form of gender neutral bathrooms, election drama, and racism...Tyler Perry was right under our noses making another movie. Wake up America. This has to stop.

   Gotta love a woman who can hand you your own ass.....

   How do you know when you're with a gentleman? At the end of the date he asks, "May I inquire as to the possibilities which center around my being able to accompany you into your humble abode, whereby you gratuitously allow me to stick it in

   Watching Home Alone 3 and wondering what's taking children's services so long?

   Examination room walls have seen and heard more sincere prayers than any temple.

   Turns out I'm not a Jedi after all.....Bummer

   Getting stuff out of my wardrobe is like playing Jenga.

   No thanks women who lift weights, only one of us must look like a man in this relationship

   I would just like to take a minute to give a big shout-out to the inventor of croutons. Who knew you could take stale bread and makes so many different flavors. Props to you. :p Recycling before recycling was cool!

   No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother.

   Nothing has held me back in life more than not knowing which U.S. National Park I am. If only there was a way to find out.

   Have nothing against people from other countries. But one thing is for sure. they do not know how to drive in the U.S. no turn signal, no turn on red, ect...

   ...... People at these rest area restrooms are creepy ... the guy in stall next to me makes wierd noises and has four feet

   .... I was excited to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel .... till it turned out to be a train coming the other way

   I met an Indian guy today.. he does NOT work in IT.. mind blown.

   Every time I have to dress up in this killing heat I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked and start putting on my clothes….

   The fact that there is a "Highway to Hell" and only a "Stairway to Heaven" says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers...