Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.

   Failed Summer Camp Slogans: Funeral Camp, You'll Dig It Here.

   Wreird AirBNB Listing: Stay for FREE in 3 room luxurous home. However if owners return unexpectedly please vacate immediately.

   Perhaps Daniel Craig's Successor as James Bond should be a disabled woman.

   Still surprised there isn't a 21st century version of the board game "Sorry" called "It's Somebody Else's Mistake".

   Trump University's Most Popular Majors: 1) Lying. 2) Cheating. 3) Stealing.

   Upside of Hell you won't have any trouble finding a lawyer or priest.

   I'm still not convinced that the lunchroom employees working on the Death Star deserved their fate.

   Inspirational Quote: Be the change you want to see in your car's ashtray.

   Paul Ryan just listed his spine for sale on Craigslist.

   Under further investigation, we discovered that crime does indeed pay.

   Sweet!!! I just found a Trump University degree inside a box of Cracker Jack.

   My wife asked me for a sonnet. Never knew she liked fancy hats.

   If Bon Jovi's farewell album isn't called Bon Voyage then what's the point?!?!

   Symptoms of a Gluten allergy are depression, trouble breathing, rash and irritability which tells me my ex must have been a soft pretzel.

   Dad Tip: Read fairytales backwards to your daughter. She'll think it's good to give up being a princess for a life of housecleaning.

   I knew the honeymoon was over when she texted from the bathroom to bring her toilet paper.

   Newt Gingrich is calling for a new House Committee on Un-American Activities. I thought that was just called Congress.

   Wolverine doesn't apologize nearly enough for a dude from Canada.

   The Lord works in mysterious ways...like when he sent that alligator to drag the toddler off, right in front of his horrified parents. It's all part of His wonderful, divine plan! How mysterious.... Amen!