Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.

   Being clean and sober means i've showered and am heading to the liquor store.

   When does Red mean GO and Green means STOP?? Answer: when eating watermelon.

   Love becomes weak if it is not strengthened by truth. Truth becomes hard if it is not softened by love.

   I got my long-awaited colonoscopy last week. I was going to upload the full video, but decided to hold off on that, mostly because I want Morgan Freeman to narrate it.

   You are part of a puzzle in someones life. You may never know where you fit. But, someones life may never be complete without you in it.

   No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.

   If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

   I’m opening a bar called The Office. (You’re welcome guys.) “Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”

   Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made up of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits BEFORE the game even started.

   Answering the phone with a blast from an air horn sure has decreased the number of unwanted incoming calls considerably.

   YEAH!!!!! FIRST DAY OF SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE!!!!! when do the kids go back to school??

   They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.

   I refuse to jump on the ‘I hate Mondays’ bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally..

   Toast, and Bacon and eggs all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

   Recipes are like a dating service. They never end up looking like the picture.

   I see myself as one day being an old man in an assisted living facility crushing my pill cups with my bare hands to impress the nurses.

   I’m going to change my name to Benny Fitz…so when people add me on Facebook, it will say;..You are now friends with Benny Fitz.

   Quote of the year: If you think life is unfair, you’re not gonna be too thrilled about death.

   Ear hair is God’s way of telling you it’s time to buy a sports car.