Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Hillary Clinton: Unlike Liberal Democrats ..... Being Inept and Absolutely Flippant and Negligent with secure US secrets and total disregard for Security Protocol are not exactly the best qualifications that I am looking for in a President.

   "Too big to fail"...."Too big to jail"... same thing

   I'm gonna party this weekend like its THE PURGE

   If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.

   I was just informed that The Purge: Independence Day is just a movie. Does anyone know a good defense attorney?

   The Duty of a true Patriot is to protect his country from it's government.

   FUN FACT: Hillary Spent More Time Taking Questions from FBI Than She Did from Reporters This Year

   Suddenly wishing that I hadn't purchased the alien abduction insurance plan with a high deductible for all my camping trips this summer.

   1776: No Taxation Without Representation!!! 2016: No Commenting Without Liking!!!

   Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.

   Just tried natural peanut butter. My week is off to a horrible start.

   Step One: Always have a solid alibi.

   You are less likely to kill your family during a long car trip if you are playing Travel BINGO.

   Instagram is good for showing highlights from your day, but Snapchat brings to life all those boring, in-between moments no one cares about.

   How's my day going? I just watched a fastest fish fillet competition video and had a rooting interest for one of the participants.

   I'm awesome cuz I can do 50 push-ups. Granted not at once and over 57 days.

   The #1 asset in my portfolio right now is Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons.

   July 4th: The celebration of liberating slave owning populations from their higher masters with dragons, oh wait that's Game of Thrones.

   Only at the fair can you pay $500 for a $12 stuffed animal.

   Sometimes say that I use Uber just to sound cool, when in reality I took the city bus.