Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday was A slight fumble, but I think Melania's really gonna shine in the swimsuit portion of the competition...

   Filter pics should come with a Disclaimer" Some objects may appear more beautiful than they realy are"

   You put a couch on your back porch you're considered trashy but put a grill next to it and tent over it and you're rich.

   Iced coffee, for when you need to chug your coffee but don't want to lose five layers of skin on the roof of your mouth.

   All of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are over 21. Sorry to ruin the franchise for you.

   I started reading more because for like 6 years I thought Sharia Law was a Street Fighter character.

   A fun thing to do when your co-workers go to Chipotle for lunch is to put up “Out of Order” signs on all the bathrooms.

   Due to recent events, I'm deducting a full three stars from my Yelp review of Earth.

   A date so bad instead of just saying goodnight you both write Victim Impact Statements.

   Trump would've had more speakers at the convention but they're were roster issues. Translation: Trump ran out of family members.

   I can't believe they're going to remake Little Women with an all-female cast.

   BREAKING: Chris Christie spotted working valet at the RNC.

   I learned all I need to know about race relations from watching C.Thomas Howell's heart felt film Soul Man six times.

   A man at the airport bar is now criticizing "the lamestream media" for "liberal" reporting and "spelling 'speech' without the A".

   Part of Scott Baio's speech was plagiarized from the episode of Charles In Charge where Nicole Eggert ran for class president.

   I hate when people talk about "slutty" clothing. First of all that's sexist, and second it should be called "sexually activewear."

   Roger Ailes quits FOX News ..... Guess it's up to Trump Now!

   "Is that a gun in your pants ... or are you happy to see me?" ..... Melania Sanchez

   "That's one small step for man ... One Giant leap for mankind" .... Melania Trump

   That does it!!!! .... Melania and Michelle are going to have to settle this like real women ...... Time for a winner takes all mud wrestling contest!!! Heck ... I'd pay to see that .... Donald .... You listening?