Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had plastic surgery last week, I cut up my credit cards.

   Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

   He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything, that clearly points to a career in public office.

   A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

   I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

   I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

   When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

   Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

   All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, fattening or too expensive.

   It's Shark Week. Sharks kill an average of 5 people a year. Cows kill an average of 22 people a year. When is Cow Week

   If your profile mainly consists of photos featuring you and your 60 year old friends at bars and restaurants, you've failed miserably.

   If you’re looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!............... We can look for it together.

   Guess what I did..I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.

   As a Social Networking Expert, I have evaluated your Facebook activity and your status updates. My conclusion: You are all crazy.

   I’m planning to adopt a dog soon..., it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

   Yep the relationship my wife and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   Dr says to her 80 year old hard of hearing female patient You look very weak & exhausted are you having 3 meals 3 times a day as advised? 80 year old Female replies I thought you said 3 males.

   Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.