Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

   At 51, I've realized that if I don't get enough sleep, I'm an asshole during the day. If I get too much sleep, I'm still an asshole, but happy!

   The border, inflation, and energy crisis are intentional.

   Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

   neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

   my neighbor says that his son called him and said he thought his roommate was gay.... he asked his son why he thought that... son says, well dad everytime I kiss him, he giggles

   There are two different kinds of screaming...If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in

   Wondering if life is easier when you're totally insane? I'm about halfway there and I want to know if I need to speed up or slow down

   The number of people who confuse ”to” and ”too” is amazing two me.

   Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) played a major role in the scientific revolution even though he was such a poor boy and nobody loved him.

   It’s President Obama’s birthday. I can’t believe it’s been 61 years since his mother forged his birth certificate.

   Creaky door hinges are just free home security for us poor folks

   Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

   When I was young, I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.

   I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

   I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

   I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

   The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

   A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

   Love conquers all things, except poverty and a toothache.