Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to middle age. Only one nostril works

   One more week left to drive recklessly in school zones

   Kid: Do you like corn on the cob? Me: I like it in my mouth! Ha ha.

   Yesterday I threw a ball for my dog. I know, it was probably a little extravagant but it was his birthday and he looked so nice in his new dinner jacket.

   RIP: Olivia Fig Newton

   I fully support the IDGAF+ community.

   i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

   Hi, I joined a cult. *got an air fryer

   Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

   Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

   If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact. How I know this is unimportant.

   If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

   the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

   I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

   I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

   If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

   If you’re going to do something that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

   When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

   A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

   Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.