Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The CDC recommends wearing your mask on your butt to protect against Monkeypox.

   The biggest mistake you make with us truth-seekers, is you think we want to be right. Trust me, we wish we were wrong.

   A lot of people don’t struggle with depression, they struggle with the reality we live in.

   One sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

   Accomplishing the impossible means the boss will add it to your regular duties.

   When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.

   A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

   My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

   Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

   Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up making love. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

   My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.

   A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

   Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication Me: Why am I not surprised Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

   Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor? Everyone…

   Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

   My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

   Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

   When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants, that way it’s illegal to dig it up. Follow me for more gardening tips.

   If you happen to see an FBI agent wearing one of Melania’s dresses, post a photo of him.

   It’s gonna be hilarious when the people who thought that Biden was going to forgive their student loans realize that he gave them a tax increase instead.