Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

   If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.

   Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

   You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

   ne dis jamais je t'aime

   Self-Checkout should include an employee discount.

   My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

   Vaccinated or not, Please during these late summer days, wear deodorant. (and stay out of the left lane)

   No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

   20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head 30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle 40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

   I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

   From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

   *secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

   One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

   If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

   A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

   Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

   Red flag laws sound great until you realize you’re labeled crazy for thinking 5-year-olds shouldn’t attend drag shows.

   Welcome to middle age, berry flavored tums are dessert now.

   Congratulations to USSR for signing Brittney Griner to a long-term contract.