Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for 4 hours but everything makes me look fat. And I think I forgot to unplug the curling iron.

   Still trying to figure out what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

   Once again I will Watching football this season the same way Colin Kaepernick does... sitting on my couch

   For $250 an hour I will pose as a marriage counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everythng.

   I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

   Everything I know about the Kardashians I learned against my will.

   At my funeral, I want a group of Italian guys to walk up to my casket and say "We're gonna miss ya boss" so my family thinks I had something going on.

   I love Trump so much, I'm willing to make up anything in order to make Joe Biden look bad. Come back Trump, I can't live without you!!!

   The "Inflation Reduction Act" is about to turn the Recession into a Depression, but at least the Prozac will be cheaper.

   I'm going to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too small to go there by itself.

   I'm so happy college football is back. Where else can one enjoy such blatant one sidedness and win money on the outcome?

   Dating is like trying on shoes. You think you found a good fit, but it begins to hurt after a little while.

   My belly is like jelly. I cut one and it's smelly.

   What has red hair, big shoes and lives in a test tube? Bozo the Clone.

   Corn. The food that both enters and exits intact.

   Ladies, do you prefer a man who may be physically imperfect but loves you unconditionally? Or do you want a guy who's nothing more than a trophy that is perched atop your fireplace?

   I’vr never met a closet EV driver

   I’d love to have a s*x change. Preferably from none to absolutely sh*tloads

   Last night a guy told me, "Often, bearers of false light destroy what they profess to enlighten," and I said "Don't get wise with me!"

   Without a doubt, the cashew is my favorite nut that sounds like a sneeze.