Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re single, and you know it… Pet your cat!🎵🎶

   The obesity problem is so bad in the U.S. that the 2 out of 3 people surveyed count as 4 out of 5!

   What's 23 + 44 ???

   Exercising would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burned them.

   The hardest part of making vegan sausage rolls is getting the vegan into the sausage machine.

   Just got my electricity bill and I believe I got charged for the sunlight, the moonlight, the street light, the light of my life, the speed of light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

   Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call these people cops.

   My brother took going to jail bad. He wouldn't eat, smeared feces on the wall, swore and spit at everyone. That's it, I'm never playing Monopoly with him again.

   I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, my temper, even my mind.

   I just fell off a 15ft ladder getting decorations down from the attic.. good thing I was on the first step.

   I took my dog’s anti-anxiety medication by accident. Now I’m worried things are going to get ruff.

   Work very Hard so that your kids won't have to Type Amen on social media for Blessings!!

   Sometimes cheating can lead you to the right person😑

   If you find yourself bored on a random day, just turn up to a random wedding and shout, "I still love you", and then wait for the drama to start.

   With so many things coming back in style... I can't wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.

   There are over 5,000 Gods being worshipped by humanity. But don't worry, only yours is right.

   Friend: You play any dangerous sports? Me: I sometimes disagree with my wife.

   According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I'm a little high!

   Did you hear about the duck who walked into a convenience store to buy some chap stick and cashier asked cash or charge? And duck said just put it on my bill.

   Advice: Date a woman with outstanding warrants. That way, she can't call the police on you. Follow me for more relationship advice.