Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5342 of 6447

Considering a Kickstarter campaign to gather the capital needed to start my line of heavy metal sandwich shops: Pantera Bread.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 02:15
Comments (0)

93% of the internet is people noticing things in the background of photos.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 02:17
Comments (0)

Eating four slices of chocolate-peanut butter pie in one sitting is not the greatest idea I ever had. But it's close.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 02:18
Comments (0)

Honestly, I don't get the whole "sandwich after sex" thing. I either want to go to sleep or watch "Archer" reruns.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 02:19
Comments (0)

Could say we ate Velveeta sandwiches because we grew up poor, but, nah, we just liked ‘em.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 02:20
Comments (0)

FACT: You could also be burned at the stake during the Salem Witch Trials for telling that dumb "what do you call a witch at the beach" joke.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 02:21
Comments (0)

Don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 02:22
Comments (0)

Do they make Three Martini Lunchables?
←Rate |
10-28-2016 02:23
Comments (0)

We broke free from England to elect a sociopathic reality star or a compulsively lying epitome of PMS for President. Bang up job, America.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 02:24
Comments (0)

Shazam but for strangers who recognize you in public.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 02:25
Comments (0)

Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone in the best Hallowen party idea ever!!!
←Rate |
10-28-2016 02:26
Comments (0)

Candy corn is just regular corn that has daddy issues, smokes Marlboros, and has a kid out of wedlock with a guy named Bo.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 02:27
Comments (0)

Italian bread is just like regular bread but it's gold chain gets stuck in its chest hair while it blows out your kneecaps.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 02:28
Comments (0)

The person who invented winking was definitely a little sketchy.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 02:29
Comments (0)

Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone is the best Halloween party idea ever!!!
←Rate |
10-28-2016 02:34
Comments (0)

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 08:08
Comments (0)

If you think your life can't get any worse, just remember...you could be Mike Tyson in a Chinese restaurant trying to order the Sweet and Sour Shrimp.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 09:31 by Fazzella
Comments (0)

Fun fact: orange amoebas have small minds, small hands and no gentalia.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 10:35
Comments (0)

If Hillary wins the White House, I'm moving to a country that will be considerably more safe: Yemen.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 10:42 by Fazzella
Comments (0)

Its OK that you are voting for Hillary. In fact when Trump wins, you retards will get much better medical treatment.
←Rate |
10-28-2016 11:59
Comments (1)