Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got my long-awaited colonoscopy last week. I was going to upload the full video, but decided to hold off on that, mostly because I want Morgan Freeman to narrate it.

   Love becomes weak if it is not strengthened by truth. Truth becomes hard if it is not softened by love.

   When does Red mean GO and Green means STOP?? Answer: when eating watermelon.

   Being clean and sober means i've showered and am heading to the liquor store.

   The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.

   Life is not a fairy tale guys........if you lose a shoe by midnight your drunk.

   I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal

   Why didn't the gay cop from "The Village People" save the day in that Orlando club?

   Happy Father's Day to all the real Dad's.... Sit down deadbeats we celebrate you on April Fool's Day...

   Pro Tip: A box of donuts placed on top of the mailbox will keep the police from breaking up your party.

   Only while camping can you pee in the middle of the night while staring into the eyes of a bear.

   The guys from Insane Clown Posse originally started rapping while working their way through clown community college.

   The best things in life are free drugs.

   Contrary to rumors, a full moon before the summer solstice is not bad news. Unless you're a werewolf who likes to go to the beach.

   My Mom always told me to dress as if I'm gay, which I guess makes sense since my clothes came out of the closet.

   You're a living oxymoron if you get distracted while driving a Ford Focus.

   When I want the entire beach to myself on Father's Day, I wear a Speedo.

   I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal.

   You know what this clogged toilet needs? More toilet paper! Kid logic.

   Set the tone for the day by getting out of bed and stumbling directly into a wall.