Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.

   Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses around.

   They should make Jack Daniels chap stick.

   Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

   I don’t mind running into debt. It’s running into my creditors that’s embarrassing.

   Ear hair is God’s way of telling you it’s time to buy a sports car.

   Quote of the year: If you think life is unfair, you’re not gonna be too thrilled about death.

   I’m going to change my name to Benny Fitz…so when people add me on Facebook, it will say;..You are now friends with Benny Fitz.

   I see myself as one day being an old man in an assisted living facility crushing my pill cups with my bare hands to impress the nurses.

   Recipes are like a dating service. They never end up looking like the picture.

   Toast, and Bacon and eggs all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

   I refuse to jump on the ‘I hate Mondays’ bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally..

   They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.

   YEAH!!!!! FIRST DAY OF SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE!!!!! when do the kids go back to school??

   Answering the phone with a blast from an air horn sure has decreased the number of unwanted incoming calls considerably.

   Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made up of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits BEFORE the game even started.

   I’m opening a bar called The Office. (You’re welcome guys.) “Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”

   If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

   No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.

   You are part of a puzzle in someones life. You may never know where you fit. But, someones life may never be complete without you in it.