Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've finally come to grips with the fact I'm old. My family held an outdoor birthday party for me, and when they lit the candles, the Girl Scouts appeared out of nowhere, circled the cake, and began to sing Kum Ba Yah.

   I should be thwarting evil or something. I never get to thwart anything. I believe I could thwart.

   Never have Thai food 2x in a row. Its like someone maced your butthole.

   Why do all the pictures of Noah's ark show the front having the wave breaker design? All it had to do is float for a year.

   Could you please put your crying baby on vibrate...?

   My stuff here is impeccable.. That means it can't be harmed by chickens,, right?

   Went by the house where I grew up. I went up to the door, and asked to go in to look around, but they said No, and shut the door in my face... Mom and Dad can be so rude.

   i find it odd that there's never a yelp review for the yelp website

   No matter how much you hate or how much of an ass you are, Jesus still loves you atheists

   I hear they're coming out with a new "Blame me, I voted Trump or Clinton" sticker.

   Just added 'Wandering Around the Parking Lot Looking for My Car' as another Track Exercise on my Fitbit.

   I'd love to have a deep meaningful discussion with my daughter but I'm not that good at emojis.

   My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.

   Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

   When you said we should go for drinks, I didn’t know you meant together.

   Got out of listening to the door-to-door salesman's pitch by telling him I'm the cleaning lady, which really isn't even a lie.

   Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we're all going to die out here.

   Time to turn over a new leaf. With my luck it'll be poison ivy.

   I don't like when women carry guns. I always preferred a woman who liked to kill the old fashioned way. Years of subtle mental terrorism.

   Remember when King Solomon threatened to cut the boy in half so he could determine if it was Brandy's or Monica's? 😂