Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support. Happy Mother's Day!!!

   TIP: Make sure the other person has their hand up before you attempt a fist bump.

   Sometimes I put a “for sale” sign in my neighbor’s yard and pray the power of suggestion works.

   Few indicators of sobriety are as effective as when you realize the escalator you have been riding for 5 minutes is actually a stairway.

   There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks.

   I'd have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place with more laundry than my house is prison.

   Who are these strange creatures and why are they calling me 'Mom?'

   Good thing my mom's not on Facebook otherwise you would have to read some sappy Happy Mother's Day post from me.

   sure Trump may not be the best looking President, but we will have the hottest first lady ever

   It's time for America to stop coddling idiots and ignorant people. Trump for President is the logical conclusion of the cuts in education that Republicans have been pushing for decades.

   All Mom's gave birth to a child, except mine she gave birth to a legend!!! **High fives my Mom on Mother's Day**

   Ozzy should not have forgotten to tell Sharon Happy Mothers day

   To those with crappy moms, Happy ignoring your crappp mom day. It makes her miserable.

   Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

   Damned phone... I keep typing that "I need to get laid" and it keeps autocorrecting to "I need to get lard" and now people are sending me cans of Crisco. :(

   He died doing what he loved; shouting 'boo!' behind horses.

   Sorry I sexted you with Air Supply lyrics.

   My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

   It's hard to drink coffee while laying down in bed but I'm trying.

   I wanted to serve my wife breakfast in bed but she wouldn't cooperate. By the time I got her tied up so she couldn't get out I had to feed her myself. It got a bit messy, but happy mother's day anyway