Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Female president? Maybe when they rename it the Oval Kitchen.

   A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

   How long is sexual healing supposed to take because I came in this one three times and she's still in a coma.

   If there's a Joe Smoe from Idaho. He must be pi$$ed off !

   Sometimes a Reuben at Arby's is how you celebrate St Patrick's Day.

   Its amazing how those that do the least to fix the problem complain the loudest.

   8yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?... Me: What's wrong with the one we live in?.. 8yo: WHAT !?!... Me: Goodnight, son.

   come2 the j.oke.ca.fe for way better stuff

   Losing my mind wasn't enough? Gotta lose weight too?

   Just got carded at the liquor store. Set my keys down to get my ID and the guys says "Never mind, that Blockbuster card is good enough for me".

   Parking spaces for turtles these days, give me a break.

   Inspirational Quote For Today: You cannot make everyone happy, you're not a pizza.

   Yay today is Pay Day!!! Although I really enjoyed eating ice soup for the past few days.

   Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.

   I need a career change, perhaps I should be a Pornographic Historian.

   How To Baby Proof Your House: Condoms are super-duper effective and highly recommended.

   To this day, it's still a mystery where exactly the four-leaf clover gene is actually located – and how it really works. But clover-shaped marshmallows in Lucky Charms cereal are still magically delicious.

   The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don't.

   Let's face the truth all three year olds are walking, talking middle fingers.

   My all time favorite coworker is the coffee machine.