Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The guy who invented email, sadly, has died. ---actually he died a few days ago, but they just found him in somebody's spam folder.

   This Women's Day, the real woman of substance is Maria Sharapova.

   Yikes. don't google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"

   Think I will get a night job being a cuddler. After 8 hrs the $ex is free. . .

   If Zombies eat brains, I know a lot of people who have nothing to worry about. . .

   The guy who invented email, sadly, has died. He's been moved to the Permanently Deleted Items folder.

   ....The U.S. Defense Dept. has been making plans in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse ... Since Zombies eat brains ... It was determined that the US Congress would be safe.

   Why are all these liberals only going to move to Canada if Trump gets elected? What's wrong with Mexico?

   Picking a president to vote for this term is like picking the STD that I would be the most okay with having.

   Well, I've come to the conclusion that nobody can tell me how to get to Sesame St. . .

   I know they didn't ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.

   I may be my own worst enemy but there is a hell of a lot of competition out there vying to unseat me.

   There's so many pictures of trump thrusting an index finger at me in my timeline, I'm starting to feel violated and a little horny.

   Only if some people knew how silly, stupid and ridiculous they look while holding a selfie stick...

   "The righteous are those who feed the poor, the orphan and the captive for the love of God, saying: 'We feed you for the sake of God Alone; we seek from you neither reward nor thanks.'"

   Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven't spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....

   Me: Should I buy it? Brain: No!! Wallet: No!! Parents: No!! Cat: Meow NO!! Universe: NO!! Me: Sold.

   Kim Kardashian twieeted a nude selfie yesterday. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we've never seen, she's gonna have to swallow the camera.

   Older people who have sex on a regular basis may have a better chance at avoiding dementia. But there's no such luck for anyone who happens to walk in on them.

   Life is like soccer because my Mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though I absolutely hate f*cking soccer.