Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me out of the club.

   The police want to interview me. Strange....I didn't even apply for a job there.

   Everytime I hear Bohemian Rhapsody, head banging is a required element.

   I would rather be known in life as a honest sinner, than a lying hypocrite.

   "Sorry, your password must contain a capital letter, two numbers, a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell, a gang sign, a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin."

   I truly believe that if we'd met at a different place, at a different time, under different circumstances....You'd still be an a$$hole!

   You're a true 90's kid if you heard, "Get off the internet....I need to use the phone."

   Why do I have to press "ONE" for English, when they just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?!?!

   Trump is like the Charlie Sheen of the political world .... WINNING!

   My kid sent me a text asking to buy him some decaf, certified organic coffee... I wished him good luck in life.. I'll miss him.

   A good way to handle when your kid asks, "Mom, what happens to me after I die?".. is to pull out a trombone and play "waa waaaa" in his face.

   If I ever become senile,, I just want to be as oblivious as people who respond seriously to humorous rhetorical questions on FB.

   [pees all over your front porch]..... YOU'RE MY WIFE NOW.

   In the news today Amanda Bynes got a haircut. Why is this news, who the f#uck is she and who the f#ck cares. . .

   Piss me off and I'll put you on my kid's school fundraiser mailing lists

   I never heard of her either. Amanda who ?

   The 13 year old girl I was chatting with just told me she is a police officer. Amazing.....she's only 13 and already has a strong work ethic..

   Why America is screwed... People like Chumlee on Pawn Stars is making money on TV instead of manning a fry station.

   Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs. His wife, Hillary got $8 million for hers. That’s $20 million for memories from two people who for eight years repeatedly testified under oath, that they couldn’t remember anything.

   Not feeling smart today? Just remember there are grown adults who actually still actually believe Hillary Clinton.