Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scream "I am worthy" until the stars collapse upon your brilliance.

   The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my Birthday, very nice. But misunderstood, when I said, "I wanna watch".

   Don't worry Paul McCartney, I have been refused entry into night clubs too.

   So Clinton is barking like a dog now... how appropriate

   So Hillary Clinton is now seen on national TV barking like a dog. I suggest that she may be preparing for "The dog ate my emails" defense.

   Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

   The letter "S" in PMS stands for Satan... I'm pretty sure of this.

   My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but believe my days around here are numbered...

   My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

   In the history of earth, no woman has ever successfully changed a man yet they keep trying to this very day.

   Thank god for the UNFOLLOW function. With one click, they stop existing in your world and on your timeline.

   wonders when the Pope will tear down the 39 foot tall wall that surrounds the Vatican; a sovereign country.

   Once upon a time a man was told to go f#ck himself and he lived happily ever after. . .

   .... Global Warming is just a lot of hot air.

   It's a, "I want to fake my own death, move to Mexico & live off of tacos & tequila type of day"....

   Renato Bialetti, who made the stovetop coffeemaker, the Moka Express, famous, was buried inside of one after dying at age 93.

   I just got an e-mail from a Nigerian Prince telling me that if I send him money, he could double it and send it back to me. So I e-mailed him back, "Kanye, is that you?"

   Adele: Hello. Lionel Richie : Hello is it me you're looking for? Pink Floyd : Hello. Hello. Is anybody in there? Me: This conference call sucks.

   " Why are you doing this? " - I ask myself daily

   🎶Take me down to the Vatican City, Where Donald Trump is mean and the Pope is witty🎶