Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.

   I'm almost perfect when I heavily edit my selfies.

   I walked a mile in my own shoes today..... Wouldn't recommend it..... Cuz I'm WAY out of shape

   "I'm so sorry"... "No, I'm really sorry"... "No, I'm even sorrier than you" ... "No, I'm the sorriest ever!"... *mutual hug* ......*Canadian rap battle

   Word of the Day: Ammosexual - A Liberal who believes in the Second Amendment

   I heard that Hillary Clinton saw her shadow this morning,,, so it looks like we're getting six more weeks of pantsuits.

   I know enough Spanish to make myself hungry

   Boss: Can you pass a urine test?... Me: Sure...distance or accuracy?

   Once you go black you never go back. Well once you go white you get your credit score right...!!!

   Did you guys hear about the new restaurant that's opened on the moon? Apparently the food is great but there's no atmosphere......

   I got a Valentine Day card that kind of creeped me out today....... It was from my proctologist.

   *Leonardo Da Vinci shows the finished portrait to her.... Mona Lisa: Eww,, DELETE IT!

   Me: *Nibbles first on a breast,,,, Gently kisses a thigh.... KFC Manager: Sir, please stop narrating out loud. Thank you & enjoy your chicken.

   I'm watching the OJ series, and I'm beginning to rethink my position......Kato really was a douche.

   i am taking the pit bull and the points in the puppy bowl

   "My body wasn't designed for this." - me, getting out of bed

   You had me at let's get something to eat..

   Nothing says ego trip like knowing you're completely unqualified yet still running for president.

   If I drank decaf coffee I'd be one of those girls that doesn't swallow, too.

   Bought a cruise missile today and now I’m waiting for my neighbor to walk his dog in my yard.