Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WIFE: Are you even listening to me?... ME: Of course... WIFE: Oh yeah, what did I say?... ME: [smoke bomb]... WIFE: I can still see you... ME: [Another smoke bomb]

   [wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong

   *At Olive Garden*... Waiter: Parmesan cheese, sir?.. Me: I'll tell you when to stop... Waiter:..... Me..... Waiter:..... Me:..... Waiter: Sir *crying* my arm... Me: I'll tell you when.

   If you are a famous musician and you are over 60,,, please be careful in 2016.

   I failed my employee drug test today because of the drugs I have to take to tolerate my coworkers. FML.

   Polly wolly doodle all the day?.. In this economy?

   How do you know when your GF is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.

   Horse walks into a bar. Barkeep says "Hey. Why the long face?"

   if you see me eating salad in a restaurant, ive been kidnapped and I am trying to signal you

   Good Better Best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better. and your better best.

   Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?

   Me: Hold still,,, All I'm trying to do is wipe your nose.... Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*

   Here's some sad news. The man who invented the electric blanket passed away last week. Instead of cremation, he asked that his blanket be turned up to 9.

   Good cop: Where's the money? Blind cop: *Tries to pound fist on table but misses.... WHERE IS EVERYTHING???

   I'm not giving any more money to the homeless. They're just going to spend it on cardboard and Sharpies.

   I started a Hotcake business but they aren’t selling. FML.

   Drinking decaffeinated coffee is like going to a brothel for a hug.

   The difference between a teacher and a train conductor? One trains the mind while the other minds the train.

   So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.

   Do you enjoy interacting with people?” “Nope” “Great, you’re hired!” – DMV interview process.