Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't star the tweet you can't have any pudding... How can you have any pudding if you don't star the tweet!

   Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90).

   154 U.S. Walmarts are going to close, reducing their total number of open checkout lanes by 6.

   its all fun & games til you see a picture of what you looked like in 6th grade!

   For those of you who consider yourselves to be workaholics, I feel for you. I, too, know what it is like as I struggled for many years while hopelessly addicted to workahol.

   Sex and Coffee. What more is there?

   What's the age cutoff for bringing chicken nuggets to dinner because you don't like the food?

   I drank so much Vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.

   Why do people refuse to vote in elections because they say their one vote won't matter, but will gladly spend money tons of money buying Powerball tickets despite virtually no chance of winning?

   Sex is only 15% of a relationship unless you're not having it. Then its 0%.

   In the 80's America won the cold war and the wall came down, now a guy with 80's hair thinks building a wall will make America great again.

   My boyfriend just brought me flowers.. By boyfriend, I mean dog. By flowers, I mean tennis ball.

   Let me stop you right there. You just made me think of a status.

   I THINK 50 shades of grey is our weather forecast!!!!

   GoPro’s stock dropped 23.34 percent to 10.87 Wednesday afternoon after the company announced its Q4 was worse than expected. The good new is the CEO caught this eloquent downward spiral on video for all stock holders to enjoy.........

   I've decided not to workout today. Instead I'll be working on my ABS of beer.

   Ha!.. More like social needia, if you ask me....... ....Please go ahead and ask me

   Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to.

   So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response

   I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.