Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It may be the Japanese wine talking but...私は酔ってる

   Well Christmas tree if finally out of the house, And back on my rear view mirror .

   Ann Coulter was just diagnosed with testicular cancer.

   Boss makes a Dollar, I make a dime, that's why I poop on company time

   If you win the $1.3 billion powerball, remember the little people. No seriously, remember the midgets, they probably couldn't reach the counter to order tickets

   I think we should hear other voices.

   My middle finger wants to talk to you.

   In hell, you're served sugar free jam on burnt gluten free toast with decaf coffee.

   Someone in Walmart just bumped into me and my IQ dropped ten points.

   No one likes the person you become when the meds wear off.

   I’ve never had a safe word, but most of my partners have used distress signals.

   It's like...pizza is the perfect food if you have a dog. Say the dog watches you while you eat, like he's begging. So just give the crusts to the dog. He'll think he's getting his way.

   If I win powerball, first thing I'm doing is getting a vasectomy,Ain't none of these hoes getting that money

   I wonder if girls at the University of Alabama call their periods the "Crimson Tide"

   If I hit the powerball this week the first thing I'm buying is a pot to piss in I've always wanted one of those

   I don't know about you but this girl from Liberty Mutual Insurance talking about her car "Brad" she had for four years and how it outlasted three jobs and two boyfriends really sounds like a winner!

   It's almost impossible to find a good cream pie recipe on the internet that doesn't involve getting naked first.

   It would have been symbolically more accurate if the Vikings still played in the metrodome considering they both collapsed under pressure........

   Leonardo DiCaprio just won another Golden Globe award. But it ain't no Oscar.

   Last year, 44 Americans were shot by ''Muslim terrorists''. By comparison, 52 Americans were shot by toddlers. Which raises the question: Why isn't the government doing more to protect us from toddlers?