Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shouldn't you be camping out somewhere waiting for Star Wars?

   Meanwhile, Woody Allen has married his adopted daughter and still makes movies. DuPont heir Robert Richards rapes his 3 year old and serves no jail time. Roman Polanski raped a 13year old and left the country while on bail yet he STILL receives awards

   Dating 101: Let me buy you food and grab your booty

   If I had a My Little Pony for every time a girl rejected me I'd have the My Little Pony collection I currently have.

   I'm the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.

   You make me want to be a better nobody.

   A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

   to wife: I told you I would fix it soon, there is no need to remind me every six months!!!

   I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler..."

   Dear History Channel, The Mayans were wrong.. We are not dead.. Everybody is still here. Please adjust your morning programing accordingly..

   Statistically men think about sex every seven minutes… for about six minutes

   This LAUSD situation reminds me of Die Hard 3. LA better watch the the financial district and lots of dumb trucks

   Why did Adele cross the street? To say hello from other side

   If you put Isis and my ex gf together all you going to see is pure evil

   You know who hates Nine Inch Nails? Jesus.

   Look, all I'm saying is that the dinosaurs didn't drink alcohol and look what happened to them.

   I remember a happier time… Like when I was still sleeping.

   Just heard someone on the porch, hopefully this is just a home invasion and not some unexpected company

   I have no idea when the new Star Wars movie comes out because I have sex.

   If you live in a trailer, you know a guy.