Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   POF should change its name to POS

   My GPS says "Estimated time of Arrival." I see "Time to Beat." Game on.

   What you never hear if you live in Santa Clarita.."I'll be back in a few minutes"

   Marry a woman who can cook. Anyone can scr3w but a good cook is hard to find.

   i'm so unlucky,,, if I fell in a bucket of t!t'$ ,,,, i'd come out sucking my thumb!

   Don't ever Under any circumstance Call me by my Government name in public.

   At this point the only other thing Trump could possibly say to anger anymore people is if he said he hated doughnuts.

   Fun party hosting tip: Put dozens of extra coats on the bed. When guests ask where everyone else is, laugh maniacally & change the subject.

   Crap. Got another Canadian quarter in change. But I’m a clever one; now it’s the Salvation Army’s problem.

   Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn't it?

   Just once, I want someone to look at me and say,, “That’s him, He’s the one”...And not follow it with, “Who ate cake out of the garbage”

   The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

   If a clown farts, does it smell funny?

   Haven't heard much from Clinton lately...she's trying hard to think of something truthful she may have said and trying to build a pathetic campaign around it.

   *my finger on her lips* sshhhh, I just told you what I think, don't ruin the moment by saying what you think too.

   I'm a pretty funny guy I'm told, But I went on a date with a woman the other night, she did NOT like by Bill Cosby Impersonation .

   I can't wait for self driving cars to come out so I can finally say ; Go home car I'm drunk

   I farted today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!

   I knew I had nailed it when she said she didn't remember seeing me do my Bill Cosby impersonation.... or anything else that night.

   Pill Cosby is now suing his victims? What kind of a sick world are we living in now?