Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God didn’t make all men equal, Samuel Colt did.

   FYI: When you graduate from vegetarian to vegan you are legally required to put a racing stripe on your Prius

   The dumbing down of the human species. We are going backwards in intellect with every new social media app.

   Wonder how much longer humans will continue playing make believe?

   Every Christmas I give my co-workers a card with a picture of my middle finger inside.

   Guns don't kill people. Husbands that come home early do

   I just saw a lady texting while driving. Do women have any idea how dangerous that is for the rest of us? Not the texting part, just them driving in general.

   I would not even buy my worst enemy a selfie stick for christmas present. I am not that cold.

   Nothing says I hate you like giving someone a selfie stick as a birthday present.

   Have as much sex as possible while you're still single. You can abstain when you get married.

   Hey kids, know what's harder than graduating from college? Busting your a$$ for $hit wages the rest of your life...

   Kanye and Kim's kid will be 1/2 huge a$$, and 1/2 huge a$$.

   The "Reply All" button should be password protected...and you should have to answer a simple math question...and be required to name the Vice President. There...THAT should solve THAT problem.

   Someone needs to invent a filter that blocks ALL content if it contains certain words: my three words would be: Kardashian, candidate, Bieber.

   When people ask why do I NEED a 30-round magazine for my gun, I say "Why did Rosa Parks NEED to sit at the front of the bus?" Because she had a right to do so. That's why.

   Women are always right...even the left handed ones.

   Just landed my dream job of "before" picture!!!

   Back in the day 8 bullets couldn't kill a brotha ... Now it takes 16... #thanks50cents

   I'm just looking for a little love and financial domination. Is that too much to ask?

   Relationship status: wakes up next to an empty bottle of vodka.