Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Bruce Jenner can keep his weiner and be considered a woman, I can keep my guns and be considered unarmed.

   It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

   Why did the semen cross the road ? Cause I wore the wrong socks today ...

   You don't alwayds have a Plan, Sometimes you just got to have balls

   You don't always need a plan Bro, Sometimes you just need Balls . Harden the f*ck up

   Seriously, fucktards. Zuckerburg isn't giving anyone 4.5 mill. You're just embarrassing yourself.

   Don't look now, but your Secret Santa is watching you!

   How many Syrian refugees will be let in before you are beheaded?

   Have you asked yourself "Why is it that the "most transparent administration in history" can't tell you where it's hiding the Syrian refugees and Illegals it's sending around the country?

   Math Quiz: 200,000 Syrian refugees x 10% estimated terrorists = how many ISIS terrorists? According to Obama's math education program, the answer is Zero

   Winning the NFC East this year is like getting a participation trophy.

   I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I'll be notified immediately.

   If you watch Cinderella backwards its about a woman who learns her place.

   The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

   You may not get what you want from me, but you'll never forget me.

   You can tell a lot about a person by what they're willing to do during conjugal visits.

   Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves

   I've been asked to join the Mossad, they offer great pay and a chance to travel, but I have to get a "procedure" done first.

   JIMMY CARTER KIM: finally someone who President Carter is more embarrassed about being associated with than his goofy looking brother Billy.

   "How can I possibly be losing to this guy?"......... *every Republican presidential candidate not named Trump