Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [At the zoo] Llama spits in my face,, I spit in llamas face,, Llama slaps me,, I grab llamas hair,, Scuffle ensues,, Llamas girlfriend shouts "leave it Gary!"

   Fact: an Owl's head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

   Did you know,, the 'ueue' in 'queue' is silent?

   *Poops without drinking coffee first*.... it's a FESTIVUS miracle

   *looks at calendar*.. *looks at stomach*. *looks at calendar*.. Guess I'm telling people I'm pregnant again this Christmas.

   I tell you,The high cost of living ain't nothing like the cost of living high !

   I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”

   My condolences to you and your family who's grandmother was actually ran over by a reindeer....I understand your grief, and the pain from the yearly reminder from the inconsiderate song....

   If someone invites you to their immaculate, tidy home and says "sorry about the mess", run. They have killed before and they will kill again

   If you think that a few Latin words over your pancakes is going to turn them into the body of Elvis Presley, you have lost your mind. But if you think more or less the same thing about a cracker and the body of Jesus, you are just a Catholic

   Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

   Unsubscribing to emails requires three or more clicks,, So I'm just going to keep deleting them for the rest of my life.

   PRO TIP: Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong into a harp.

   Q: How do you know your house was robbed by a black guy? A: When your house is robbed

   Remember kids -- it may be illegal to text and drive,,, but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

   Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

   And then the devil said, "Just tell her to calm down."

   (Around campfire with flashlight on face).... "Then they realized,, Adele was calling from inside the house!!"

   screwed up the settings on my 4D printer,, and now there's a scale model of the Death Star somewhere in 1674.

   Well,,,, Marvin Gaye's family is suing me for asking what's going on.