Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girl friend says she may move out because of my obsession with TV dramas. But will she really leave me......Find out next week!

   Sweat pants are only ok for 2 reasons. Thanksgiving and strip clubs

   Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.... There's Circular pizzas, square pizzas, thin/thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings...... All beautiful really

   It's kinda hard to believe in just 2 days,, I'll be stabbing housewives for a discounted Dyson vacuum.

   You know you a hood rat when you can't participate in Black Friday because yo government check ain't in until Monday. .

   Apparently, the biatch at my wife's job was being such a biatch today because something, something,,,, we hate her.

   If God wanted me to be a Vegan, he wouldn't have made chickens so damn delicious!

   It's a shame if girls think Victoria's Secret models are every guys' dream. We're not in the fifth grade anymore. Go ahead and eat that last chicken wing, babygirl. You're gorgeous.

   The Superfriends hang out in the Hall of Justice, but has any villain ever actually been brought to justice there? Any indictment?Arraignment? Jury selection? Trail? How about for child support, alimony, probate, speeding ticket, overdue library book?

   FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE !!!........... I yelled at my gynecologist

   *Airplane PA.... "Arrr, this be yer cap'n speaking"... *covers microphone... [muffled] "Dangit Roger,, you have it set on autopirate again"

   "Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me."...*shakes tambourine ... "Got any others?"... *shakes tambourine... "Hmmm,,, Sounds a lot like the last one"

   Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse?... How about now?,,, Better... or worse?

   Consumerism has a religious day called Black Friday.

   A word from our sponsors. Gobble, gobble, gobble. Because it's Thanksgiving and gobble, gobble. . .

   I would say Happy Thanksgiving but no one cares cuz they're hungover

   I bet Payton Mannings family is going to have a hard time eating today. Every time someone asks him to pass the turkey, it's going to get intercepted

   Black Friday Separating Americans from money they don't really have since 1966.

   I don't know what it is But it's on sale!

   Don't forget to have a thought and a prayer for the poors when you buy your useless stuff this weekend