Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate the word friendzone! "Especially when I'm out with a woman who tells me that she loves me like a brother!......Unless she's from Alabama or West Kentucky of course.

   As a man I am so thankful I don't have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.

   If money was grown on trees, women would be dating monkeys

   A man climbed into a bus and the driver asked"where are you going to" the man replied "to the back seat"

   My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.

   I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.

   My shower breakdown: 60% getting the water temp right,, 39% coming up with awesome responses to fights with my wife,,, 1% showering

   My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

   On another note, some of the single Syrian women aren't bad looking ;)

   *wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING

   Will World War III begin before or after Christmas? Because I don't want to buy presents for nothing.

   DONALD TRUMP proving that you don't need to be poor to be white trash.

   Gray Matter Matters

   Some people should keep their Quran and their bibles like they keep their genitals: to themselves.

   For Thanksgiving, I'm going to a sheep and goat buffet. It's All You Can Bleat.

   Enough with all the religious posts. You're just fighting over who has the better imaginary friend.

   Always be yourself. Unless you can be Bat Cat... Always be Bat Cat.

   Poverty is not being able to participate in Black Friday because you don't get paid until Monday.

   So what all y'all vegans eating for Thanksgiving?

   ...... Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.