Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.

   You can't fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too

   This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.

   If a man speaks in the forest and no women hears him, is he still wrong?

   Facebook Murphy's Law: Profile photo with two women. It's never the attractive one's timeline.

   I went to the pub last night, had a shot and saw this really fat chick dancing on the table. I said to her "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so?" I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

   Went to the gym this morning and was amazed by this one chicks extreme workout . She must of done at least 5- 6 reps of selfies .

   ever have a large lunch and go up a cup size?

   Adele's new album should come with a coupon for Ben & Jerry's.

   So if tears are just weakness leaving your body, what's diarrhea?

   When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

   A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.

   Anyone know how I can become an illegal alien? They've got some really good benefits.

   I went to Google today.... Are the Obamas going on vacation again?

   Vladimir Putin Is going to have Turkey for Thanksgiving for sure

   What if stupidity was passed on in the womb and it had something to do with the am idiotic fluid.

   In mother Russia, Turkey shoots you for Thanksgiving

   Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends. — Woody Allen

   Out on the highway, getting passed by a Prius is the football equivalent of getting tackled by the kicker.

   pɹɐʍʞɐ sᴉ sᴉɥ┴