Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. She would be in congress...

   I asked what to bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.

   Sometimes when I'm in the shower I have epiphanies of intellectual brilliance. Other times I just think about chips and dip

   I'm sorry I dropped your baby when the theme from Friends came on and I had to clap along.

   When I'm on my deathbed, I'm definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.

   Went to my niece's elementary school field day this week... I won every single event... Every... Single... Event.

   I drink Gatorade when I'm dehydrated because it replaces lost sodium, potassium, and yellow #5.

   When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk... I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

   My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn... Worst... Childproofer... Ever.

   I bet the next couple of weeks is when those Ocean Spray sales execs really meet their quotas.

   A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "feel horrible I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfec

   A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone... 💍💍💍😂😂😂

   Why is Kim K. like KFC? After you've finished with the thighs and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. 🍗🍖🤑🤑😂😂😂

   SCOOBY DOO taught us that all the REAL monsters ARE human... 🙈🙉🙊

   "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been..." "Ma'am, please just vote and exit the booth!

   You know, if Facebook is conflicting with your real life relationships then it's time to take a break. We need your full commitment over here!

   Does anyone know where I can get more Lite Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my will.

   FYI,,,, My grandma hides blue cookies in the back of her toilet.

   I didn't sign up for the 401K at work. There is no way I can run that far in the shape I'm in.

   What is it that I want out of life? An apology would be a good start.