Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you start a sentence with ''i'm not a racist/sexist/homophobe/etc''... there is a 99.99999% chance that you are.

   Lacrosse is my favorite sport that combines looking like you're trying to catch a butterfly with having no friends @JhonRules

   She preaches, "It's what on the inside that matters." But then go on to post 20 selfies per day.

   It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart. One will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while.

   Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald's find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

   Happy B-day United States Marine Corps 240 years of Bad Assery

   If anything should offend you about Starbucks, it's the price of their coffee.

   No skirt girl just left. She asked if she could wear my shirt home since it was longer than her dress. One less shirt to pack.

   Why I love Asia: I wanted a hooker. Called service. Said I didn't know what I wanted. They sent a van with 10 girls and let me choose.

   Slept alone last night. Very nice. You would be surprised how many girls snore.

   man merely a mistake of G0d's? Or G0d merely a mistake of man?

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $300 Coach purse.

   My wife found out that I was cheating. How? She found the letters I'd been hiding. She got real mad and said she'd never play Scrabble with me ever again.

   Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

   When you text me and ask me what I'm doing and I tell you "nothing", that isn't an open invitation for you to suggest things for me to do. I already have plans. I'm doing NOTHING!!

   I love my women like I love my coffee beans. Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.

   I like my women like I like my golf scores. In the 80s with a slight handicap.

   Tom Cruise is calling for boycott of McDonalds because there isn't enough pictures of L. Ron Hubbard on the McNugget box..... See how stupid it sounds when it's not your religion?

   You have 200 pictures of only your face? You must be sooooo thin.

   When you order your coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is "Merry Christmas"