Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're too scared to dump somebody take them to ikea.

   When exactly in Earth's history did the climate not "change"?

   When my wife asks the dog ,Who's the good boy.. I secretly wish that she says DADDY'S THE GOOD BOY.. ....but she never does

   I get turned on when women use the voice they use to talk to dogs ...

   I had the unfortunate task of telling my dog he's adopted today.

   There's a closet pervert in each and every one of you. . .

   .... "There once was a girl from Nantucket" ..... DAMMIT! .... Apparently I'm a terrible Poet ... cuz I can't think of anything that rhymes with Nantucket.

   I may be her Teddy bear, but remember I'm still a bear .

   I'm so ignored here I'm beginning to think all of you are actually cats.

   If anybody out there is in quarantine right now, can I come over?

   You changed your profile picture and I changed my mind.

   At what age do you get to start falling asleep in every chair you sit in?

   If getting ignored in real life is not enough, try twitter.

   I shot off a flare to get rescued from a bad date, and now everyone in this restaurant is mad at me.

   A 'Baby On Board' sign, but for your whiny boyfriend.

   * changes bedsheets, 14 socks fall out * Hmmm... * apologizes to the dryer *

   I checked with my doctor, and beer is right for me.

   If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.

   I like sleeping because it's like being dead , without the commitment...

   I have an eating disorder. It called not starving to death. . .