Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Missed connection: You were at the gym. I wasn't.

   Just answer my question: Is it worth putting pants on for?

   "Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."

   Ok let me get this straight.....bacon is junk food and causes cancer. I do declare the Pigs have watched to many Chik-fil-a commercials and have concocted a diversion. What do you all think? Sounds suspicious? O.o nice play piggy nice play!

   Look out Taylor Swift, I'm going to produce my first musical soundtrack. Music for cats, my first song will be the sound of a can opener. I already see it going gold!

   In the movie "No Escape". The whites are saved by the Vietnamese. Karma beeyach

   Soooooo my Black friend just got mad at me, cause I called him a slave. Seriously, I was just yanking his chain!!

   I have googled "does my dog really love me" more than twice

   Ever watch the tv show 2 broke girls and get jealous of their bank account

   Starting my weekend off right with a simmering rage. It's a beautiful day for violence!

   Not everyone is with the person they wanted. Some are just with the only person that would have them.

   It's not a competition until you both go off your meds

   I'm a big advocate of the 'You started it' method of defense in an argument.

   You sound like someone I'd drown in a toilet.

   Ribbed condoms taste nothing like ribs

   I always fist bump the cashier whenever my card doesn't get declined.

   Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been 35 years since my last confession, and I only ended up here because I thought it was the bathroom...Amen

   It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

   I'd like to be offended by sex. Where do I register?

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig......It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.