Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm gonna sell everything and buy and van and go live down by the river !

   Candy Crush just sold for $6 billion in case anyone is looking for a reason to join ISIS

   Accidentally went to the bar and kidnapped someone again.

   Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin

   "To YOU I'm an atheist; to G0d, I'm the Loyal Opposition." ― Woody Allen

   So yesterday I planed on having an average day but The lady at the Dunkin' Donuts told me to have a good day. Let's hope she doesn't say that today I can't keep up with that kind of pressure p

   Well another day has passed, and I haven’t used algebra once. Oh and a great big thanks must go to Facebook for greeting me this evening! Yay! My life is complete!

   Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don't quote me on that.

   Do vegan mothers ever breast feed their babies?

   Loyal chicks are crazy, annoying, jealous, psycho & obsessive. But they make the best girlfriends, so y'all gotta deal with it.

   My girlfriend has a gorgeous Duck butt, BUT every time I try and stick it in the wrong hole it screams AFLAC

   Religion is the most vile ailment of human evolution (or rather, devolution) in existence

   No one calls you promiscuous because you have more than one beer

   Looking for originality her e is like looking for a virgin in a wh0rehouse.

   Before coffee: I hate everyone. After coffee: I have so much energy to hate everyone.

   If you love someone set them free. Then lock the door so they cant get back in.

   I’m “Blockbuster and relax” years old…

   I never imagined adulting would involve so much crying while eating ice cream.

   Sober me:"I'll have a salad, please." Drunk me:"I need 3 cheeseburgers, 4 orders of fries, 75 chicken nuggets and 82 sides of ranch."

   Watching people breathe gives me motion sickness.