Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   look at this, it's a stick man rubbing his butt on the ground! ________&_________

   let my personalities out for a night...I woke up with two hookers, a penguin, a pineapple, five teeth missing, and a tattoo that read "I'M FREE".

   After years of observation,multiple hypothesis,well-structured analysis and deeply reviewed interpretations.I finally came to ONE CONCLUSION: I'M NOT NORMAL

   The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required to work there, "must not pop bubbles"

   Why do people always make jokes insinuating that people who use crayons are crazy? I like my crayons! Especially the blue one. It makes my poo purple

   if you can`t beat them...get some duct tape,rope,and a tazor >:3

   Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids...but now that I'm older I prefer mine in-a-bottle!

   If you can't beat them let THEM join you, THEN beat them.

   I bet it was like a bad nightmare when Lamar Odom woke up, not that he was in a hospital but that hes back in the Kardashian family.....

   Let's refer these annoying mereeecans as south Canadians. Game set match

   For Halloween I’m handing out office supplies that I’ve stolen from work..paper clips..pencils..erasers..pens..toilet paper..hand sanitizer..Kleenex..Cigars.

   If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I'd still be like, "aww."

   A lot of people don't realize that Shania Twain's father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

   My therapist is letting me drink alcohol in my therapy session today, and by that I mean I'm drinking and watching Dr Phil.

   Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates

   ..... Canada ..... Leading the world in being just north of the United States

   I feel kinda sorry for Lamar Odom. Imagine the horror of waking up from a coma and the first thing you see is a Kardashian.

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a regular pigeon.

   HALLOWEEN PRO TIP.... put on your costume then over top of it do the classic ghost blanket costume....go trick-or-treating as a ghost then take the blanket off & go a 2nd round as the other costume you wore underneath....double candy

   The thing I miss most about being in a relationship is making someone cry.